damnation.

it defines ones character, a solidifying work of art.
no one has died in its realm though ignorance has taken its fee.
i remained in silence as i took out my last plunge in the deep waters of the cavern which leads every soul to its murky threshold.

i glanced, and saw no light in the eyes of the sufferer.
and for once i found myself blameworthy of the grief.

one last shot i told myself.
this time with another martyr.

and then it dawned me,

i felt blood ringing through my ears and heard myself praying.
and i come to know that i haven't closed the walls entirely.
it has been months and months have i been in seclusion.

my truth my character my standing at stake.
i cared not with the thought.
i know in my own discernment i have to take a leap.

i dwell not in the eyes of the weak, i despise their kind.
cause though my strength is failing, i never dropped my guard, in the eyes of the world i am defenseless, in my eyes i am victorious for they did not see who really won. when the battle has just begun, i have completed the riddle.

running along the sweet side walkway, they heed not the warning bells,
though they've been cautioned, they took a sip and learned its taste,
ran ahead and fell towards the unfathomable stream of desire and pain.
no one won yet one remained. and it wasn't them. it was her.

she was the instigator, though she may be otherwise.


the book was published no one to protest.

the life which was given was sown, the words which was thrown, had grown.

if things could be undone it would've been long ago before the world came to chaos, but it couldn't and all we could do is accept who the people in our lives have become.
its a mystery. a line of defense of the ill-mannered.


i am going to reveal the truth behind the deceitfulness.

i am fascinated with a gent,
one i have no intentions to trip over with.
when the flesh met the flesh.
it struck me.

i closed my eyes for the first time, this first time i hoped against hope and ached.
i have revealed myself, in front of my wanted enemy and i couldn't help but be reminded that i for one have no reason to bestow the life or love or anything that conjures emotions way to demanding.
the results have given me my hope. a way to escape a lifetime pattern, of disillusionment.
i am estranged.
deranged.
lost in the woods.
i am my own servant.
no one to tell me to bow down before a god that doesn't have power to will itself.


closed.
damned for eternity.

:(

have you ever experienced having to be entirely ecstatic for a day.
like the whole world had a last smiled and poured a little blessing on you?
like you could just sit there and forget that the world even exist.
like its just you and me and then there was us.


how would it feel like to be on at cloud nine and all of a sudden lightning and storm came, ruining your rainbow cloud, and you start falling down down down, in an endless pit of great agony and misery.

no one hears your cries nor can see you falling with all those tears drenching you.
making you feel cold and alone, and vulnerable.

then the world suddenly stopped.

and all you could hear is yourself..

crying.
alone.
in despair.

november 3, 2010

today's my birthday. my friends are the ones who had the chance to greet first. i call em sapat. actually we are sapats. i dont know if some of you would get the term, but sapats is an acronym for "samahang ang pakay ay tagay". well we dont drink that much but we call ourselves such.
i slept over at a resort, should i call it that way? i think. so yeah, and i was with friends, so they got the chance to greet me at exactly 12.


i didnt post my birthdate on facebook, cause i dont like to obligate people to greet, it should be spontaneous right?well for me it should, the rest who cant understand, i got your point, but im weighing mine down.

a friend gave me a box of sweets from calea and a good book, well he knows i love to read.

and i bought havainas for myself and a blouse that doesnt look its price, and i bought my dad a white sleeveless cause i wanted to bring him something while i head home, it has been a long time since the last time i got to visit him.

i rode a bus, ceres liner, good thing it was airconditioned.
i befriended the girl next to me, she looked cute and sweet, i thought she was highschool, or elementary but she was a college student.

i was watching this cool movie about two black american cops, the main act was will smith, but i didnt get to finish it, i dozed off.

i woke up, and watched the world pass me by. looking over green fields is calming to the spirit, dontcha think?

when i got home, i ate pork adobo my dad cooked for me, my favorite actually, i was starving so i finished two plates, after that i got online in facebook and thank those who happen to have remembered, SPONTANEOUSLY.


truth is.
i dont know how to react over a greeting, i just, you know, shy off.

well i had a little reflection the moment i opened my eyes over a phone call from my mom, and i got up, took out my little notebook and started writing it over before oblivion takes place.


life is as simple as learning how to ride a bicycle, you get wounded at first, with all those balancers helping you to be a pro at it, and with all the scars, eventually you learn how to manipulate it without those balancers, ofcourse there is no such thing as contentment or satisfaction with people, we then again do tricks like one hand, or no hands at all, or do all this backflipping or whatever you call it, and we all get wounded again, scars form, and eventually we end up, hey not dead yet! we are a pro at it. really.


then about love,
they say if you constantly think about him/her its love,or if you wake up and he/she is the person who pops into your mind its love, or if you dreamt about him/her for 3 consecutive nights its love, or if you out of nowhere blurted his/her name out its love, i daresay no. i dont know what my basis is, but really it isnt.
love is trust. when you trust a person you get comfortable with him/her right? and that when you trust even if it takes millions of miles away you dont feel all wrong about it, you just let it be. love is when you call him/her at the right time of the day telling him/her how it went and you laugh it off, no nagging, no demands of reporting every detail though if you do its still okay. love is when you miss the person and grab your phone and drop the simplest text message "imissyou" no forms of flattery or add ons, and it completes your day. love is when you hold hands and you know the whole world is a playground. love is when you kiss, it doesnt demand for more. love is when you wake up before he/she does, and you dont jump out of bed because you have to cook breakfast, or you dont wake him/her up, cause you end up, staring the person right beside you, without make up on, or with the hair going all at the wrong places. its when you stare at him/her at a distance and feel loved without him/her looking back.

its love, its not make believe.


friends, is when you become the chain maker and they are the chains, you have to work hard on it, put time, lots of effort and love to make it stronger, so you eventually create a chain that can hold a cruise in the shore. thats friendship, it doesnt require only one person to basically do all the things, it needs love, strong faith, and good understanding, to keep everyone intact. once one lets the other drift, whats the chain all for?


GOD,
no matter how independent we may feel, there is always one GOD who'd kick our ass just to make us feel that "hey, IM here".


i am bipolar, at one point id feel ecstatic, and suddenly id want to be alone.
i try to push this attitude away, to control my emotions, but every time i do, i end up popping the strings, so i let it be.
but i love deeply, one would never understand because i can be silent for hours or keep it a secret for a lifetime. cause i keep my life in tight hands. call me obnoxious all you want, one cant open up just like that. its my whole life in the line, its my pride that keeps me burning, no one can open my hand and ask me to trust him/her, its mine. i am selfish with myself with my time with my life.



and im sorry.





10:35 pm <3

leave it.

when we begin to feel that beating heart once again, we fail to see why.
and we jump into the sea blinded, naked, without thinking maybe its too cold, and we burn our hearts in the storm of rejection.
there's no true love, there's only hope for one.
the epitome of grace.
we get stuck in the long run.
we cry, endlessly.

sorry, but this is a blog, i cry my heart out if i must.

i hate men, and their continuous promises of love and forever's.
thats just dumb.
women too.
why believe in those, why let yourself be dependent on them, they only feel stronger.

thats what breaks a relationship.
too much trust and too much love.
too less of both.

everything should be in moderation.

we end up adding mistakes in a sea of em.
we drown. crying out for help, and seeking for air, when in the first place, we wanted it.


lifes a stream of mess, its a cycle of the heavens, a destiny foretold and untold :)
an enigmatic piece of puzzle.


i dont care of love, neither do i care growing old and alone.
im not afraid.

poems

A book of verse, underneath the bough,
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread - and thou
Beside me singing in the wilderness -
Ah, wilderness were paradise now!

Under the blue skies of her native land
She languished and began to fade. . .
Until surely there flew without a sound
Above me, her young shade.
But there stretches between us an uncrossable line;
In vain my feelings I tried to awaken.
The lips that brought the news were made of stone,
And I listened like a stone, unshaken.
So this is she for whom my soul once burned
In the tense and heavy fire,
Obsessed, exhausted, driven out of my mind
By tenderness and desire!
Where are the torments? Where is love? Alas!
For the unreturning days'
Sweet memory and for the poor credulous
Shade, I find no lament, no tears.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet, if Hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it, therefore, the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Whose woods these are I think I know;
His house is in the village, though.
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep,
Ahh, yes, And miles to go before I sleep.

DELILAH

how does fate explain phenomenons that the mind cannot comprehend?

how you lose love and find love and lose it again without even seeing it spurt to life.

how you see both people as a friend and as a foe.

when one loses its sanity just by seeing his best friend with his lover.

and his lover clinging to his best friend.

a mind numbing game.

no one wins.

everyone loses.

we think the defeat is the sole ending.

its a lie.

it is when you lose both love and comradeship in exchange of a minute of lust.

how can a woman deceive a man, by looking vulnerable and when he turns his back, she cuts his hair.

oh delilah. what a woman you are. deceitful yes. but you proved women to be a man's weakness.

there is no love.

there is but lies that hides between unspoken words, untamed tongues, and hot sweet kisses.

alas! there is.

will you remember the end of that time.

that time where we used to kiss under the pale moonlight.

and laugh endlessly in crowded places, where no one else mattered but us two.

but then. lies broke us.

honesty was torn.

love was broken.

no one was left to survive.

to tell the untold story of two lovers of ancient tales.

my lips are shaking and so is my hands, in harmony we create an ebullition.

when will this end?

:)

sometimes the biggest mistake we often make is losing ourselves in the process of trying to be happy.

we forget, and waddle away.

its an extravagant purchase to withhold the only rope to success and to failures.

we see not the things that couples the itinerary.

people doesn't commit mistakes they purposely do it, with out knowing the consequence behind and learning in the end that they made the greatest mistake in their lives and blaming all of it in the hands of time.

i call it stupidity.

people regret because they got hurt and invested much in love and life where there is no assurance of its greatness, people are blind.

its foolishness.

people tend to bloat after a few success forgetting that they were once a minute cell, they are ignorant.

im not saying that i have no flaws its just that somehow 3 out of 10 people reflect.

so you see, none of which makes any sense.

liar.

from a moment there ,,
i thought that i could get past you and what we had.
the time were we laughed endlessly.
could you be more than that?
i have been in deep grief
my agony is unrelenting
i am not as resilient as i appear to be.
i wish i was in movies,
were i could end the pain with just a cut.
and people around me would give a round of applause at every detailed price.

i wish you were a dream, or perhaps a nightmare i could get past with every fluttering of my eyes.

but you have been mine.

and i have loved you more than life.

i could trade my soul just to hold you once again,
but it seems too unreal.
and i have to keep my sanity with bare hands.


i couldnt get past the thought of you and her,
where i held you with great care,
and i wanted you back.
if you only knew how great in pain i am in.

i have lost my flavor in wanting another,
that i kept my focus on the heavens, and those hands who reached out to help me.


i want you more than life itself,

and you brushed me aside like a dust in labels.

the moment you took me out,
the rising of every breath,
i cried and hid every tear.

i have masked myself,
i have fooled the world,
i have fooled you.

this is what makes summer quite unforgettable :D

dancing barefoot on the sand of white sheets
drenched in happiness
welcoming the heat with open arms
seeking refuge in natures hungry desire to be heard
soothed by the wind and the currents fresh flow of openness
the fishes racing to hide its fins
the arms where we held to close
i want to plaster it in my memory
keep it fresh till strands of gold start growing
and share it with friends whose hearts wont tire
and keep love amidst the distance
just so you know guys..

i love you soo much my heart starts to burst.. :D

wishes

broken glass scattered on the floor,
i tried to bring you back,
to let you live,
to make you mine,
how hard can you be?

the night i gave away kisses,
and lifelong wishes,
and i can only reminisce how you made me smile.
how i tried to grip for that minute hope,
that somehow the ache you carry would be wiped out.
and that i can see that unpretentious smile once more.

i didn't hear the music,
i didn't hear your laugh,
when will you see that you are all that i need?

i wish she knows,how lucky she is, she has your heart.

behind the masked smile, i cry silently,
the moon and stars, my confidante.

i wish you were mine.

i wish i could live a thousand years or more,
until i can give away the melodies of my soul,
until your ears are no longer closed.
and you'll hear the story of a love that died before it sprung to life.

i wish you knew.
how i tried to call out to you.

clean cut bruises,
all out cruises,
i never made it out whole.

firecrackers,
love birds chatter,
i still cry for you.

the night arrives,
and again,



i start to wish.

crumpled.

I'm letting the music slide once again,
I'll let the world see who i am and what I've been,
I'm singing the same lullaby,
that keeps me awake and alive.

tomorrow will be different,
today will be good,
I've faced my fears,
I'll drown the tears.

the plane is heading south,
I'm heading up,
I'll see you there,
and I'll break the stares.

my heart is drumming,
i can't seem to stop,
tell me you're not leaving,
and I'll leave before you drop.

securing the veins of my heart,
it might fall off while i fly away,
you stare at the door,no way to stop me before i go.
i closed my eyes, before the tears fall off.


he said I won the battle but I lost the war.
where will i go, when you are the one i came to win for?

I HAD TO.

gazing out the jetblack sky, counting the tidbits of grace with one eye

i laughed at my sanity.

counseled my stupidity.

at the back of my mind, i smiled i knew i need not care what others think of me,
i lift my heart when i get so weak, and nothing else mattered.

i occupied a four-cornered room, trying every corner for comfort, checking for flaws.

i opened the windows

and


i lay, at the floor, matted.

i sang a good song, of lovers lullabies.

and pearls started dripping.

i knew i had it, and i cant keep it still in my hands, my arms grew weak with pulling it in.

i knew i had to let it go, to set it free, though it never asked for its liberty.

i cant.

im merely human and my capacity has limits, i am not strong enough.

when i opened my hands, i turned my back.

and slowly walked away.

unaware of my wanting, he went right on.

i wanted to be held, to be secured with strong arms, and be loved.

a natural longing for a human.

for a woman.

gazing now, at the blankness.

cold winds grazed every part of my skin,

kissing it gently leaving traces of wetness.

i chilled,

but i didn't move a single muscle.

i had to hold myself, to stay still, cause if i lose one grip,

i might breakdown.

i might lose it.

i might lose myself.

take me to one place i knew not of.

i closed my eyes.

and started dreaming once more.

running.

i came anonymously, rushing towards the speed of light,
creating a sound no one can hear except my heart.
i whispered for comfort and vexed my heart for an infinite confusion.

a thousand times i looked around and i found no one.
i enveloped myself with protection my arms can give,
i cried and felt there were no tears.

i shuddered at the thought and gave a sigh,
i came shouting at every corner, and heard myself all over again, the same voice, the same calling the same shrill, it petrified me.

i stood for hours i stood,
and i felt my knees slowly breaking lose, but i still stood,
not moving,
not allowing weakness to run my body and ruin my life.

i asked for comfort, i asked for love.

for a million times.

the world, the people in it, i cannot explain but i can comprehend.
curiousity had me crawling for words over agrresive thorns,
prickling my vulnerable skin and wounded me whole,
but i went on,
i gasped for pain, mourned over my soiled body,
but i went on.

i know all my efforts will be counted.
i know i would never measure it up,
sum it up whole,
and then i went right on.


i was filled with bruises, blood was the major scent you could smell from a distance,
and i loved the thought,
that i did my part well,
that i never stood and watched,
that i came running for answers i knew i would never get.

though i sound frivolous and this maybe enchanting,
i loved how i became, how happy i was when i found pain at the bruises and learned that life would never be quite the same.


i ran. speed accelerated, heat pumping like wildstorm, i ran.


and i kept right on.

it is i.

we often find ourselves asking why?

and recognize that we are bound in a whirlwind countenance not made for us.

continually we ask,
continuously we fail to realize.

we are who we want to be.

consider the facts of reality and the restricted imagery you have in mind,
and drift away to worlds unknown.
not to be delusional, but to have faith, to believe once more. to reclaim our souls lost in a world mainly given for the rational but without hope.

come again,

i came to a point where i believed in miracles and was happy about it.
i ran into space and found myself at every corner and understood.

we fail to see what there is,
because we believe otherwise.

our soul sings with grace,
our edges are roughened, we are filtered, we are molded and we are no longer who we once were.

should we forget?

lose ourselves in the process and then lose our souls.?


it is i who began singing in the dusk and until dawn came with a shrug and cry.
it is i who prayed unconditionally when you were asleep,
and i found luxury at the thought.

it is i who loved you far more than you have understood.

it is i who will stay,
though worlds have created a distance i cannot comprehend.
it is I.


-to : Mel Kevin Ibañez