MJ

its hard to open up and let the whole world know how much that glass is full,
how much you would desire to give up to let that smile come out once in a while,
how much speed accelerates with that beating muscle when you see that light in his eyes.
how much you wanted to hold that person in your arms and never let go.
how much time you'd spare just to stare at him sleeping.

its hard when the world looks at you with speculating eyes.

i understand.

but let me say this one more time.

there aint no other man i would want to wake up every morning with----- but YOU. no other man i would pray to God for----but YOU.
no other man that would light my dreams------ but YOU. no man suitable enough to play the part of my forevers with -----but YOU.

the moment you held my hand in yours, i knew you had my heart.
and no matter how hard things for us may become, no matter how many person disagrees with us, no matter how long it will take, you have me. now , till my last breath.

it may have been a little span of time, but at such a short moment, we created a world equivalent of ten years time.

i never dreamed of me, wearing a white gown, covered with veils and holding a bouquet of white roses, but this time right at the moment you held me in your arms, i started dreaming.

and there was no other man in my dreams-----but YOU.

and right now, at this moment, i tell you... there would be no other man----but YOU.

i try every time we're together to memorize each line, each angle, each single hair of your eye brows,or hands, your smile, your eyes,and recall every laughter that I've heard. i trace it back in my dreams, thinking and praying that this us, will last for more than a lifetime.
and in every lifetime i will have i know i will always choose you.

this is what ill ask from you..

trust me and i will never break your heart,
understand who i am and i will understand who you are, and what you are,
give me a chance to build something for us,
the world doesnt have to know, when i know, all i live for is you.
let me, hold your hand and let me love you the way you deserve to be loved.
let me own you but never possess you.
let me hear your thoughts your dreams , and i tell you i would never grow weary of listening.
let me see who you really are without the barriers so you may see how vulnerable i am the moment you conquered my heart.


be honest with me, and i will be with you.
be frank, as i am with you.


i love you. and no matter how often i would say it, i will never tire of letting you know that.
i love you sword.

damnation.

it defines ones character, a solidifying work of art.
no one has died in its realm though ignorance has taken its fee.
i remained in silence as i took out my last plunge in the deep waters of the cavern which leads every soul to its murky threshold.

i glanced, and saw no light in the eyes of the sufferer.
and for once i found myself blameworthy of the grief.

one last shot i told myself.
this time with another martyr.

and then it dawned me,

i felt blood ringing through my ears and heard myself praying.
and i come to know that i haven't closed the walls entirely.
it has been months and months have i been in seclusion.

my truth my character my standing at stake.
i cared not with the thought.
i know in my own discernment i have to take a leap.

i dwell not in the eyes of the weak, i despise their kind.
cause though my strength is failing, i never dropped my guard, in the eyes of the world i am defenseless, in my eyes i am victorious for they did not see who really won. when the battle has just begun, i have completed the riddle.

running along the sweet side walkway, they heed not the warning bells,
though they've been cautioned, they took a sip and learned its taste,
ran ahead and fell towards the unfathomable stream of desire and pain.
no one won yet one remained. and it wasn't them. it was her.

she was the instigator, though she may be otherwise.


the book was published no one to protest.

the life which was given was sown, the words which was thrown, had grown.

if things could be undone it would've been long ago before the world came to chaos, but it couldn't and all we could do is accept who the people in our lives have become.
its a mystery. a line of defense of the ill-mannered.


i am going to reveal the truth behind the deceitfulness.

i am fascinated with a gent,
one i have no intentions to trip over with.
when the flesh met the flesh.
it struck me.

i closed my eyes for the first time, this first time i hoped against hope and ached.
i have revealed myself, in front of my wanted enemy and i couldn't help but be reminded that i for one have no reason to bestow the life or love or anything that conjures emotions way to demanding.
the results have given me my hope. a way to escape a lifetime pattern, of disillusionment.
i am estranged.
deranged.
lost in the woods.
i am my own servant.
no one to tell me to bow down before a god that doesn't have power to will itself.


closed.
damned for eternity.

:(

have you ever experienced having to be entirely ecstatic for a day.
like the whole world had a last smiled and poured a little blessing on you?
like you could just sit there and forget that the world even exist.
like its just you and me and then there was us.


how would it feel like to be on at cloud nine and all of a sudden lightning and storm came, ruining your rainbow cloud, and you start falling down down down, in an endless pit of great agony and misery.

no one hears your cries nor can see you falling with all those tears drenching you.
making you feel cold and alone, and vulnerable.

then the world suddenly stopped.

and all you could hear is yourself..

crying.
alone.
in despair.

november 3, 2010

today's my birthday. my friends are the ones who had the chance to greet first. i call em sapat. actually we are sapats. i dont know if some of you would get the term, but sapats is an acronym for "samahang ang pakay ay tagay". well we dont drink that much but we call ourselves such.
i slept over at a resort, should i call it that way? i think. so yeah, and i was with friends, so they got the chance to greet me at exactly 12.


i didnt post my birthdate on facebook, cause i dont like to obligate people to greet, it should be spontaneous right?well for me it should, the rest who cant understand, i got your point, but im weighing mine down.

a friend gave me a box of sweets from calea and a good book, well he knows i love to read.

and i bought havainas for myself and a blouse that doesnt look its price, and i bought my dad a white sleeveless cause i wanted to bring him something while i head home, it has been a long time since the last time i got to visit him.

i rode a bus, ceres liner, good thing it was airconditioned.
i befriended the girl next to me, she looked cute and sweet, i thought she was highschool, or elementary but she was a college student.

i was watching this cool movie about two black american cops, the main act was will smith, but i didnt get to finish it, i dozed off.

i woke up, and watched the world pass me by. looking over green fields is calming to the spirit, dontcha think?

when i got home, i ate pork adobo my dad cooked for me, my favorite actually, i was starving so i finished two plates, after that i got online in facebook and thank those who happen to have remembered, SPONTANEOUSLY.


truth is.
i dont know how to react over a greeting, i just, you know, shy off.

well i had a little reflection the moment i opened my eyes over a phone call from my mom, and i got up, took out my little notebook and started writing it over before oblivion takes place.


life is as simple as learning how to ride a bicycle, you get wounded at first, with all those balancers helping you to be a pro at it, and with all the scars, eventually you learn how to manipulate it without those balancers, ofcourse there is no such thing as contentment or satisfaction with people, we then again do tricks like one hand, or no hands at all, or do all this backflipping or whatever you call it, and we all get wounded again, scars form, and eventually we end up, hey not dead yet! we are a pro at it. really.


then about love,
they say if you constantly think about him/her its love,or if you wake up and he/she is the person who pops into your mind its love, or if you dreamt about him/her for 3 consecutive nights its love, or if you out of nowhere blurted his/her name out its love, i daresay no. i dont know what my basis is, but really it isnt.
love is trust. when you trust a person you get comfortable with him/her right? and that when you trust even if it takes millions of miles away you dont feel all wrong about it, you just let it be. love is when you call him/her at the right time of the day telling him/her how it went and you laugh it off, no nagging, no demands of reporting every detail though if you do its still okay. love is when you miss the person and grab your phone and drop the simplest text message "imissyou" no forms of flattery or add ons, and it completes your day. love is when you hold hands and you know the whole world is a playground. love is when you kiss, it doesnt demand for more. love is when you wake up before he/she does, and you dont jump out of bed because you have to cook breakfast, or you dont wake him/her up, cause you end up, staring the person right beside you, without make up on, or with the hair going all at the wrong places. its when you stare at him/her at a distance and feel loved without him/her looking back.

its love, its not make believe.


friends, is when you become the chain maker and they are the chains, you have to work hard on it, put time, lots of effort and love to make it stronger, so you eventually create a chain that can hold a cruise in the shore. thats friendship, it doesnt require only one person to basically do all the things, it needs love, strong faith, and good understanding, to keep everyone intact. once one lets the other drift, whats the chain all for?


GOD,
no matter how independent we may feel, there is always one GOD who'd kick our ass just to make us feel that "hey, IM here".


i am bipolar, at one point id feel ecstatic, and suddenly id want to be alone.
i try to push this attitude away, to control my emotions, but every time i do, i end up popping the strings, so i let it be.
but i love deeply, one would never understand because i can be silent for hours or keep it a secret for a lifetime. cause i keep my life in tight hands. call me obnoxious all you want, one cant open up just like that. its my whole life in the line, its my pride that keeps me burning, no one can open my hand and ask me to trust him/her, its mine. i am selfish with myself with my time with my life.



and im sorry.





10:35 pm <3

leave it.

when we begin to feel that beating heart once again, we fail to see why.
and we jump into the sea blinded, naked, without thinking maybe its too cold, and we burn our hearts in the storm of rejection.
there's no true love, there's only hope for one.
the epitome of grace.
we get stuck in the long run.
we cry, endlessly.

sorry, but this is a blog, i cry my heart out if i must.

i hate men, and their continuous promises of love and forever's.
thats just dumb.
women too.
why believe in those, why let yourself be dependent on them, they only feel stronger.

thats what breaks a relationship.
too much trust and too much love.
too less of both.

everything should be in moderation.

we end up adding mistakes in a sea of em.
we drown. crying out for help, and seeking for air, when in the first place, we wanted it.


lifes a stream of mess, its a cycle of the heavens, a destiny foretold and untold :)
an enigmatic piece of puzzle.


i dont care of love, neither do i care growing old and alone.
im not afraid.

poems

A book of verse, underneath the bough,
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread - and thou
Beside me singing in the wilderness -
Ah, wilderness were paradise now!

Under the blue skies of her native land
She languished and began to fade. . .
Until surely there flew without a sound
Above me, her young shade.
But there stretches between us an uncrossable line;
In vain my feelings I tried to awaken.
The lips that brought the news were made of stone,
And I listened like a stone, unshaken.
So this is she for whom my soul once burned
In the tense and heavy fire,
Obsessed, exhausted, driven out of my mind
By tenderness and desire!
Where are the torments? Where is love? Alas!
For the unreturning days'
Sweet memory and for the poor credulous
Shade, I find no lament, no tears.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet, if Hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it, therefore, the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Whose woods these are I think I know;
His house is in the village, though.
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep,
Ahh, yes, And miles to go before I sleep.

DELILAH

how does fate explain phenomenons that the mind cannot comprehend?

how you lose love and find love and lose it again without even seeing it spurt to life.

how you see both people as a friend and as a foe.

when one loses its sanity just by seeing his best friend with his lover.

and his lover clinging to his best friend.

a mind numbing game.

no one wins.

everyone loses.

we think the defeat is the sole ending.

its a lie.

it is when you lose both love and comradeship in exchange of a minute of lust.

how can a woman deceive a man, by looking vulnerable and when he turns his back, she cuts his hair.

oh delilah. what a woman you are. deceitful yes. but you proved women to be a man's weakness.

there is no love.

there is but lies that hides between unspoken words, untamed tongues, and hot sweet kisses.

alas! there is.

will you remember the end of that time.

that time where we used to kiss under the pale moonlight.

and laugh endlessly in crowded places, where no one else mattered but us two.

but then. lies broke us.

honesty was torn.

love was broken.

no one was left to survive.

to tell the untold story of two lovers of ancient tales.

my lips are shaking and so is my hands, in harmony we create an ebullition.

when will this end?